I’m not a heart healer, a relationship expert, or Hitch, but there are some aspects of dating that I’m pretty confident discussing. As a result of this confidence, my homegirls constantly call me to vent and/or get advice on situations they are going through, which is hard for me to give when I know 95.6 percent of everything I tell them will go in one ear and out the other. But they’re my friends and I’ll always be here for them in times of need. I’m starting to see that many of my homegirls need the same thing this summer: How to find a man who is interested in a serious relationship, and how to avoid the men who are NOT. As a man who has found myself on the extreme ends of both scenarios, here are a few (hopefully) helpful tips that more women need to know.
1. Talk to Him about His Dating Past WITHOUT Making Assumptions
One of the worst mistakes a woman can make is talking to a man about his dating history, hearing him go on about some serious long-term relationship he had, and then assuming that his past ability to be in a long-term relationship automatically means he’s currently capable of doing that with her. STOP THAT SHIT. Just because he dated “what’s-her-face” for three and a half years, that does not mean that he’s looking for that type of relationship right now.
Also, if he’s NEVER been in a serious relationship in his life (and we’re talking about a relatively attractive ’80s baby), you gotta give dude the side-eye. I’m NOT saying that means he has commitment phobia and he should be treated like the Ebola virus, but that fact should be part of your early evaluation of his potential. Oh, and ladies, please DO NOT make the dumb-ass assumption that you will be the one to change him — he’s a grown ass man, not your son.
[Image: Shutterstock]
2. Ask Him What He’s Looking for and NEVER Accept “Taking it One Day at a Time”
I will never understand how so many women have such a big problem with simply asking a man, “What are you looking for?” Yes, I understand that some men lie, some men misrepresent their intentions, and some men will sing a pretty tune just to smash, but you MUST ask him this question because you need to know whether he WANTS to get serious with a woman. Ladies, here’s the truth: Single, actively-dating men are either exhausted or excited by the prospect of being unattached and on the market. Some men view the dating scene like an endless supply of vaginas waiting to be introduced to his Richard, and those men are the ones who want to “take it one day at a time.” They don’t know if they can cure themselves of their multiple partner addiction in time to start a serious relationship. I’m not saying every man who says that is bad for you, but know that he isn’t serious right NOW. He may become serious in the future, but if you’re looking for a dude who wants something real in the near future, avoid Mr. Let’s See How This Goes.
[Image: Shutterstock]
3. NEVER Accept Gaps in Communication
This is probably the biggest one. Ladies, much like you, when a man initially meets a woman he clicks with, talking and spending time with her becomes as necessary as breathing. That might sound corny to some of you, but it’s real talk. When a dude really sees that long-term potential in a woman, he becomes enamored with hearing her voice, being with her as much as he can, and having her in his arms. So if you meet a dude who treats you right for a week or two, and then inexplicably disappears for days or weeks on end, only to show back up with some weak ass excuse, he doesn’t really give a shit about you. You are expendable and he doesn’t really care if he loses you. Look, we are all grown-ass adults with busy lives and careers, but if you think that means a dude can’t find 4.5 seconds in the span of 72 hours to just text, “Hey, just on a break. How are you luv?” then you are out of your damn mind. Even Barack has said he doesn’t go more than a day without texting or calling Michelle, yet some of y’all are letting Duane Reed employees tell you he’s “been busy”!
Now, I understand that whenever someone reads articles like these, their first intent is to find the exception to every point I’ve made in some effort to tear down these tips as unhelpful - that’s just the price of being a devil’s advocate. But please understand two very important things: One, I’m NOT making hard and fast rules which MUST be adhered to 100 percent because every situation is different, and two, the DUDES who will tell you what I said above is BULLSHIT, are very likely the same men you probably might want to avoid. Shit, back when I was loving the single-life, I would’ve wanted women to avoid reading an article like this too.
LAB
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience.
[Image: Shutterstock]