Courtesy of Huffington Post Black Voices

Serious grillers know little limitation when it comes to cooking over an open flame. Just ask Roger Mooking, who travels the world uncovering the secrets of this spirited breed of chef as host of the Cooking Channel’s “Man Fire Food.” This season, which is set to debut next month, culinary adventures await from East to West, including California’s Death Valley, where a steel worker has developed a talent for building BBQ grills in the shape of 30-by-20 foot dragons — flames shooting from the mouth and all, Mooking explains.

Back at home, Mooking says he’s something of a pitmaster himself. “I’m one of those wacky people who have their BBQ going in the middle of winter,” Mooking told The Huffington Post. “I move my propane BBQ right to the back door of the patio,” he says.

For the rest of us, Memorial Day weekend marks the unofficial signal to light ‘er up, but there are a few things to keep in mind before you do so, Mooking says.

“The really common mistake people make is wanting to cook really fast on a grill,” according to Mooking. “They build a really big fire or they crank up the BBQ to high and they put the meat or whatever they’re cooking right over the hottest part,” he says, adding that constantly moving the food around or flipping it too often is what leaves many grilled items burnt on the outside before they’ve had a chance to cook throughly on the inside. “Embrace the smoke,” he suggests. “Most things do better with a little long, slow cooking over indirect heat.”

Case in point: The salt-crusted white fish that Mooking says is one of his favorite alternatives to traditional BBQ fare.

Continue reading here.

The post 5 Things To Grill This Weekend Besides Burgers appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Courtesy of Huffington Post Black Voices

President Barack Obama signed a bill into law on Friday granting the United States’ highest civilian honor to four black girls killed in a civil rights-era church bombing that shocked the nation in 1963.

Congress awarded the Congressional Gold Medal to 14-year-olds Addie Mae Collins, Carole Robertson and Cynthia Wesley, and 11-year-old Denise McNair, who were killed in the bombing of the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church in Birmingham, Alabama.

The girls’ deaths at the height of conflict over the end to segregation were instrumental the passage of the federal Civil Rights Act of 1964, which bans discrimination on the basis of race, color, religion, sex or national origin.

“They gave their all,” said U.S. Representative John Lewis, a Georgia Democrat and influential civil rights leader.

“This medal will serve as a compelling reminder of the sacrifices so many freedom fighters made to help us achieve equality and social change,” Terri Sewell, an Alabama Democrat, and one of the bill’s sponsors, said in a statement.

In 1963, Alabama was the center of a non-violent civil rights movement led by Martin Luther King and others that was met with violence from the Ku Klux Klan and state and local officials trying to enforce racial segregation laws.

“The civil rights victories were achieved by the principles of non-violence. Love carried the day against hate,” Spencer Bachus, an Alabama Republican, who also sponsored the bill.

Scheduled to attend the White House signing ceremony were Birmingham Mayor William Bell and Doug Jones, a former prosecutor who finally brought the last two church bombers to justice in 2001 and 2002. Also attending were family members of Denise McNair and Carole Robertson.

“We feel that this honor given by Congress means that our great country recognizes the sacrifices made for freedom in our country,” Lisa McNair, the 49-year-old sister of Denise McNair, told Reuters.

The families of Addie Mae Collins and Cynthia Wesley have criticized the medals as useless symbolism for families who received little compensation for an atrocious act.

“They were murdered. I am not going to go get the Congressional Medal until justice has been fulfilled. I want restitution,” Sarah Collins Rudolph told Reuters.

Continue reading here.

The post Birmingham Church Bombing Victims Awarded Congressional Gold Medal Posthumously appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Tyler Perry surprised students at Finland Middle School in Ohio on Friday by showing up at a music concert and donating $100,000 to student athletes in the areas South-Western schools.

According to the Columbus Dispatch, Perry heard about the school’s hardship after watching an episode of “Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel” on HBO.  He learned that teacher Mary Mulvany started a foundation to raise money to help cover student athletic fees.

He was inspired by her efforts. So, he showed up at Findland Middle School with a $100,000 check. “I want to sponsor as many kids as I can,” Perry told onlookers–according to the Columbus Dispatch.

Ohio’s South-Western schools garnered attention from the national media when athletics and extra-curricular activities were cut after a failed levy in 2009. Voters later approved the return of sports programs via a ballot request, but for a fee.

Perry wants to sponsor as many children as possible at Finland Middle School with his donation. However, he says, he would also like a portion of the money to go toward the foundation.

Courtesy of the Huffington Post Black Voices

Lip Addyct announced today they have partnered with Real Housewives of Atlanta’s star Lisa Wu to launch a new line of lipsticks named “Chameleon.”

“When making the decision to enter the lipstick market, we decided to partner with an entrepreneur we admire and Lisa Wu fits the bill,” said Adrienne Owens, owner of Lip Addyct. “She’s fearless and works hard to push her brands. We knew she’d bring that same enthusiasm and work ethic to her line and we are pleased with the results.”

The cosmetics company, based in Memphis, TN, produces a line of lip care products that includes lip glosses, lip lacquers, lipsticks and lip balms.

“Our glosses have been and continue to be extremely successful. We offer every type of lip gloss one can imagine and they’ve been highly embraced nationwide,” adds Owens.

Chameleon by Lisa Wu is a line of lightweight, paraben-free, smooth and creamy lipsticks which has been formulated to care for the lips while providing them with a long-lasting and rich color.

Continue reading here.

The post Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Lisa Wu Launches Lipstick Line appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Whenever I have conversations with my single lady friends, at some point in the night the discussion will inevitably head down the path of inquiring what men truly want in relationships. And to be honest, it’s a fair question. There are so many blogs, magazines, TV shows, and books attempting to answer this question, yet they are failing so miserably that many women are left searching for an all-inclusive answer — that doesn’t exist. I’m definitely not going to act as if I have some magical solution to this query, but, as a man, I will let women know one thing I’m definitely sure of: No matter how great you are in bed, good sex alone won’t make a man elevate your status to wife, if he didn’t see you as that before you got it in.

Whenever I talk about relationships with my homegirls, they put far too high of a premium on how much men truly care about sex. Now I’m not saying that sex isn’t important to most men, but I’m definitely stating that sex is never the deciding factor on what constitutes high-quality in a potential life partner. It doesn’t matter if that man is a virgin who’s saving himself for marriage, or if he’s the biggest player in the city, both types of men will never use sex as a sole measure of their future wife’s worth.

Why you ask?

Because your vagina is NOT what makes you special.

[Image: Shutterstock]

Now I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, because I truly hope your nani is precious to you. But, to a man who is interested in seriously dating a woman and has marriage on his mind, the most special part about you has nothing to do with your body – it’s your soul that counts. That may sound like a Hallmark card to you, but it’s the 100 percent truth.

What makes you different than other women, and what makes you unique and extraordinary is your personality, your sense of humor, your wit, your drive, your ambition, and your spirit. What makes him elevate you over other women is dependent on how you treat one another and the quality of your distinctive chemistry — not how you throw it back or the depth of your throat.

Once again, I’m not saying that the physical element of a relationship is less important than the emotional and mental elements; I’m simply saying the physical side does not take precedence in the mind of a man. Unless the dude you’re dating is a virgin, chances are he’s had a good amount of sexual experiences in his lifetime, and the sex he’s having with you is similar to sex he’s had with another woman (which I’m sure is the same for women too). There’s only but so many positions in the Kama Sutra, so chances are very slim that you will end up doing some freaky ish he’s never done with anyone before. But that’s cool for most men because what makes the sex amazing is you. Hell, women underrate how great it is for a man to be able to go to sleep right after sex without thinking to himself: “Damn, I hope she don’t think she’s sleeping over here!” or “Please, please, PLEASE don’t ask me where this is going!”

As a man, the main thing we’re looking for is companionship, and although I won’t pretend to know exactly what women think, I believe it’s fair to say that both sexes are closely aligned in that manner. Although it’s fashionable in many circles to paint all men as mindless troglodytes with nothing more than sex on the brain, the reality is that many grown-ass men are looking for a good woman to build a life with – and her “goodness” is determined by a helluva lot more than what happens between the sheets.

LAB

P.S. Ladies, let me leave you with this one final nugget: Grown men don’t determine how good you are in based on how talented you are, but how open you are to pleasing him and allowing him to please you.

[Image: Shutterstock]

Courtesy of Madame Noire

If you haven’t been keeping up with the antics of former Nickelodeon/teen star Amanda Bynes, you’re probably very unaware of the fact that she’s been doing the absolute most. When she’s not calling Jay-Z ugly, she’s asking Drake for sex (and when she received no response she also had some harsh words for him), and recently, she had a quick beef (aka, Tweef), with funny lady Jenny McCarthy. She’s been very “vocal” to say the least. And while you were enjoying your four-day weekend, she was taking aim at a new and very headstrong target–Rihanna.

According to the New York Post, out of the blue, as most of her Tweets are when directed at others, Bynes threw an ugly shot at the singer:

“@rihanna you look so ugly tryin to be white

@rihanna Chris brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough”

Never one not to have a quick comeback on hand, Rihanna decided not to let such disrespect go unchecked and threw a subliminal jab:

Continue at Madame Noire…

The post Troubled Actress Amanda Bynes Throws Shots At Rihanna On Twitter, She Throws Them Back appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

By Jasmine Browley

Kelly Rowland aired her dirty laundry when she released the aptly titled single, “Dirty Laundry,” which was produced by The Dream. The song laid all her burdens bare when she alluded to being jealous of her “sister,” best friend, and fellow Destiny’s Child member Beyoncé, as well as being the victim of an abusive relationship that would make even K.Michelle squeamish. Just like Kelly, the following six artists felt the need to let their circumstances be heard loud and clear … in rhythmic form of course and they allowed their art to imitate their lives.

Alicia Keys – “I’m Ready (Unthinkable)”

Alicia has caught all types of hell for the supposed home wrecking she displayed while in pursuit of happiness with her producer husband, Swizz Beatz. Their courtship started when the producer was still very married to singer Mashonda, who even went on to write an open letter in which she explained her efforts to keep her marriage intact and asked Ms. Keys to step aside. Welp, shortly after, Alicia sang about her difficult circumstances with her lover man in the song “Im Ready (Unthinkable),” which was penned by Drake:

“I was wondering baby
Could I make you my baby
If we do the unthinkable would it make us look crazy?
If you ask me I’m ready”

Never the less, Swizz and Alicia’s relationship survived — thrived even — with a beautiful son and perhaps another child on the way.

Usher/Jermaine Dupri – “Confessions Part II”

We all remember what an adorable couple R&B singer Usher and former TLC member Chilli made way back, but we never really knew why they went their sudden separate ways. We finally got our answer, sort of, in the wildly successful album Confessions, particularly in the song, “Confessions Part II.” In it, Usher sings of his foolish and lustful proclivities, causing the loss of his true love, and an unwanted baby by his unwanted side chick:

“Now this gon’ be the hardest thing I think I ever had to do.
Got me talkin’ to myself askin’ how I’m gon’ tell you
‘Bout that chick on part 1 I told ya’ll I was creepin’ with, creepin’ with.
Said she’s three months pregnant and she’s keepin’ it.”

After that, Chilli named infidelity as the reason for the couple’s breakup, and it was only a matter of time before we started searching for the aforementioned love child.

However, there were also rumors swirling that the song depicted Usher’s mentor Jermaine Dupri’s predicament with a pregnant stripper, causing his and then-girlfriend Janet Jackson‘s breakup.

Since then, Usher has been married, divorced, and supposedly in love again with his current girlfriend.

Justin Timberlake – “Cry Me a River”

In the late ’90s, our blue-eyed boyfriend (in our head) had the pop world in the palm of his hands, with chart-topping singles, fresh dance moves, and then-reigning pop queen Britney Spears as his lady.

After an abrupt breakup, with no explanation other than “we grew apart,” fans were forced to come to their own conclusions. Then, “Cry Me a River” was released:

“You don’t have to say, what you did, I already know,
I found out from him. Now there’s just no chance, for you and me,
There’ll never be. And don’t it make you sad about it?”

The Scott Storch-produced track depicted a vengeful man in love with a cheating woman; the creative visual accompaniment featured a Britney lookalike, right down to the bad hair extensions, thus causing cheating rumors to run rampant. Although the “Suit and Tie” singer denied Britney’s connection to the thinly-veiled song at first, he later admitted it in 2012.

Since then, the talented singer has moved on to marry actress Jessica Biel.

Nas – “Goodbye”

Nasir Jones is never one to hold his tongue about the intricacies of his multi-layered life. His love life is no exception. His latest Grammy-nominated album, Life is Good, was basically a journal set to music, with tracks depicting his relationship with ex-wife Kelis from the honeymoon phase to divorce court. Besides “Daughters,” arguably, no other song was as personal as “Bye Baby”:

“Bye baby, I guess you know why I walked away.
When we walked to the altar that was an awesome day.
Did counseling, couldn’t force me to stay.
Something happens when you say I do, we go astray.
Why do we mess it up, we was friends we had it all.
Reason you don’t trust men, that was your daddy fault.”

Since the release of the long-awaited album in 2012, the pair have been spotted looking quite friendly while co-parenting their adorable son. The rapper even went on to say in an interview that he wanted to make love to his ex “one more time.” OK, Nasty Nas!

Lauryn Hill – “Ex Factor”

The fiercely private singer may have had her tax troubles recently plastered all over the web, but her former relationship with fellow Fugee Wyclef Jean, who was married at the time, were subtly woven into the song “Ex Factor” years ago.

“But you’d rather make it hard.
Loving you is like a battle. And we both end up with scars.
Tell me, who I have to be? To get some reciprocity.
No one loves you more than me. And no one ever will.

Is this just a silly game.
That forces you to act this way.
Forces you to scream my name.
Then pretend that you can’t stay.
Tell me, who I have to be. To get some reciprocity.
No one loves you more than me. And no one ever will.”

Unfortunately, there wasn’t a happy ending for Lauryn and Wyclef. She hooked up with Bob Marley’s son Rohan and was left with a tribe of kids, a pile of debt, and news of Rohan’s marriage to Brazilian model Isabeli Fontana. Womp, womp.

Marvin Gaye – I Want You

Upon first listen, I Want You bore a stark contrast to Marvin’s other work. The album could easily be equated to a soundtrack for the life of a man obsessed with love, lust, and sex. Around the time of its 1976 release, a married Marvin was immersed in a longtime passionate affair with the young and beautiful Janis Harper, who later became his second wife.

While his previous work could be classified as “classic doo wop, sweet and soulful,” I Want You can be summed up in one word: Erotic.

The album, a direct reflection of Marvin’s mental state, depicted deeply intimate occurrences of love, obsession, passion, and fear. One of the songs, “Come Live With Me Angel,” highlights Marvin’s aspirations to please his muse:

“I wanna be your lover.
I want to understand your mood baby.
I wanna be your lover …

Let me explore all your treasures.
I’ll turn you on to all of those freakish pleasures.
Good experienced company.
Like me who knows all the ways
Is what you need baby.
Just you and me locked up for days.
After we eat breakfast in bed.
Turn on the music for our head.”

Janis was reportedly in the studio for the entire production of the sexy album.
After the project was released and met with mixed reviews, years passed and he went on to write a few more masterpieces, have two children with Janis, and eventually get divorced before his untimely death at the hands of his father, Marvin Gay, Sr.

The post Art Imitates Life: 6 Songs Inspired by Real Life Drama [VIDEOS] appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

This is awesome on so many levels.

High school senior Dia Clark was in for the surprise of a lifetime during her graduation last Thursday. Army Reserve Sgt. 1st Class Dedrick Clark, the young woman’s father, quietly returned home from Kuwait after spending eight months away from his family and worked out a plan to deliver her diploma.

Her reaction (see below)? Priceless.

“He’s my biggest fan, my biggest supporter through everything and I’m so glad he made it,” Dia told MyFoxAtlanta.com.

The post Must-See: Soldier Returns Home To Surprise Daughter With High School Diploma [VIDEO] appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Courtesy of Sister 2 Sister

Some might disagree, but Shawty Lo believes the reason his reality series never saw the light of day is because of its title.

“I really feel like the name that Oxygen came up with, ‘All My Babies’ Mammas,’ was dumb from the beginning when I heard that name,” he told S2S Publisher Jamie Foster Brown. “It was just the name of the reality show.”

Keep reading …

The post Shawty Lo Blames Name of Reality Show for Boycott appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Courtesy of The Root

Miguel has been having a tough time on Twitter lately. First he was immortalized as a meme via countless photoshopped pictures after kicking some fans in the face during the BillBoard Music Awards. Now he’s being dragged through the fire after making a blanket statement about black people.

“I’m proud of my heritage,” he wrote, “but honestly black people are the most judgmental people in the world.” Instantaneously, black people responded in offense and anger. It wasn’t immediately evident what sparked Miguel’s comment, but it appears to have been brought on by a discussion about religion.

Miguel’s response drew the ire of scores of black Twitter users, who felt his comments were a clear example of self-hate.

Keep reading …

“You can look at it, as long as you don’t grab it.” – Beyoncé, “Check On It”

The international pop diva gave us the rules back in 2005, but a fan in Copenhagen obviously never got the memo. While hitting the stage on Monday (May 27) for her Mrs. Carter world tour, an overzealous member of the BeyHive couldn’t keep his hands to himself as she worked the crowd singing “Irreplaceable.”

Related: Beyonce Baby Rumors False? Jay-Z Allegedly Denies Pregnancy To Hip-Hop Industry Insider

“I will have you escorted out of here. Alright?” she told the concertgoer. And the show went on.

Check out all the action below…

The post Security! A Touchy-Feely Fan Grabs Beyoncé’s Goodies [VIDEO] appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Courtesy of BlackEnterprise.com

Over the last several years, social media has really taken off. Creating meaningful messaging (hint, hint: selling a product/service in 140 characters or less) and engaging with an online audience has become a necessity for today’s top brands, leaders and institutions.

Many colleges and universities have received a digital makeover, offering courses, resources and tips to prospective and current students via online portals, social networking sites and virtual campuses. Not many historically black colleges and universities make the “Top Social Media Colleges” lists, but MadameNoire is giving these high-ed institutions the recognition they deserve. Take a look at what these 10 HBCUs are doing in the tech space:

Keep reading …

[Image: Shutterstock]

Usher and Darius Rucker have officially signed on to perform at “Healing in the Heartland: Relief Benefit Concert” on May 29 to fund the deadly tornado that hit the suburb of Moore earlier this month.

Both artists will join Blake Shelton, Miranda Lambert, Luke Bryan, Rascal Flatts, Ryan Tedder , Reba McEntire and Vince Gill at the event that will benefit the United Way of Central Oklahoma May Tornadoes Relief Fund. 

Related: 5 Ways To Help Oklahoma Tornado Victims

According to NBC, tickets for “Healing in the Heartland” sold out in less than five minutes on Saturday and the money will be used for immediate, intermediate and long-term recovery and rebuilding efforts in Oklahoma.

NBC is scheduled to air the live broadcast at 9 p.m. ET/PT, as well as live or delayed airings on Style, G4, Bravo, E! and CMT.

The post Usher, Darius Rucker Join Oklahoma Relief Benefit Concert appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

No-so-stealth bigotry is all the way live in 2013.

Sanford, FL – stomping grounds of Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman – is back on the map for another unfortunate incident, this time involving a pizza delivery man and a Black customer.

On May 19, the delivery guy called the home to confirm he was at the correct location. After handing off the pizza and leaving the premises, he mistakenly re-dialed the same number. The voicemail captured a slur-ridden conversation with a third-party, which included complaints about his (21%) tip, homespun lyrics to Mozart’s The Marriage of Figaro and a little bit of the Dozens.

The voicemail was uploaded to WorldStarHipHop on May 26. The next day, John Schnatter, Chairman and CEO of Papa John’s, apologized via Facebook for the deplorable actions of the chain’s “two former employees.”

Listen to the full voicemail here (starting at 0:56)

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By Naima Turner

There is something to be said about a man who is secure enough to march to the beat of his own style drum. For NBA player Dwyane Wade, there are absolutely no limits as to what he will wear. It seems that there isn’t a color too bright nor a pant hemline too high for him to pull off. Simply put, the ambassador of Hublot and Nike, pushes the envelope and doesn’t care who’s impressed (or unimpressed, as the case may be) with his looks. Now, that’s what you call a style leader!

So, if you’re looking for a few ways to spruce up your suit for the office and beyond, take a few cues from Star Style Dwyane Wade’s most wearable suit ensembles.

Dress up a pair of distressed jeans with a colorful jacket and accessories, and leave the rugged work boots and sweatshirt for another day.

A vest can be a perfect stand in for a blazer. It can be worn with matching trousers or coordinated with a pair in a different color or texture.

Don’t go for a run-of-the-mill tuxedo, if you’re not a run-of-the-mill kind of guy. Don’t forget the wingtip shoes!

Sneakers can be worn with a suit, especially when they’re fashion-forward. Push the envelope with animal-print kicks (yes, fellas, animal print).

An unconventional wild card can be played when the overall look is classic. Case in point, try waking up a preppy look with a bright pair of shoes. Real men can wear pink — after all, it’s just a color for Pete’s sake.

There is a place for business and your favorite basketball sneakers while off the clock. Dress your suit down with a logo Tee and coordinated high-top sneakers for a party night.

Remix your navy suit into a no-fuss nautical look simply by adding a red Tee.

What better way to let your style scream summer other than with white capri pants? They absolutely are a pants style that men, can wear too. For a modern day, “Miami Vice”-inspired look, pair them with a button down, blazer, and loafer or driving moccasin. Men who are comfortable showing their feet can even try the look with a leather slide — but don’t forget to buff those toes and heels!

By Kelle Sparta

If you’ve been trying to find a relationship online and you’re not getting the results you want, read on, dear fellow. Perhaps you’re making social faux pas without even knowing it.

All of this advice has been collected through my own personal experience of being a woman looking for a relationship online, and by talking with other women like me. Of course, some women may disagree with me. I’d love to hear from readers in the comments section whether they have made the same observations that I have.

[Image: Shutterstock]

Your Profile

Let’s start with the fact that your profile looks more like a laundry list than an essay. You’ve listed facts and given me nothing emotional or even personal to hang my hat on. I want to know who you are, not just what you do for work and that you enjoy going out to dinner and long walks on the beach. (And please avoid this cliché! If you haven’t been for a long walk on the beach in the last month, you don’t love it.) Give me something real. Give me an idea of how you would make me feel if we were on a date together. Paint a picture of who you are with your friends and family. Let me get to know you. And write twice as much as you think you need to. We want more information, not less.

Your Photos

I want to see a picture of you—up close—without your sunglasses on. I want to see your eyes—they are the most important thing about you because they tell me if you are kind and strong. I want to see a full body picture of you. And please, pretty please, with sugar on top—smile! Now let’s talk about what you’re wearing in these pictures. I don’t want to see an “I’m With Stupid” or “Female Body Inspector” shirt. It shows a lack of respect and I don’t want that lack of respect applied to me. I don’t want to see you with a bevy of hot girls around you (who wants to compete with that?) I don’t want a picture of you and your ex—even if she is still your friend. If it’s your sister, you’d better say as much in the caption or else you look like a player. If there is a beer in your hand in every photo, I assume you’re a drunk. If you’re in a costume in every photo, I assume you’re a child. And if you’re alone in every photo, I assume you have no friends. Your photos are a pictorial of your life. Choose wisely, young Jedi.

First Contact

Ever wonder why you don’t get women contacting you? Right or wrong, many women feel like it isn’t our job to make the first contact. Don’t get me wrong, we’re likely cruising your profile too, but we might not drop the first “hello.” We’re more likely to do is to rate you highly or wink. Or we might see that you’re online and come back to your profile again so that you see us arrive. It’s the cyber equivalent of a glance and a smile from across the room—it’s the invitation to engage.

[Image: Shutterstock]

Opening Lines – “You’re Hot” – And Other Indicators That You Didn’t Read My Profile

I went to a lot of trouble to create an attractive profile. I looked at not only the words I chose but the subtle nuances of how those words played off one another. I spoke from the heart about what was important to me. I told you about my likes and dislikes. I agonized over which photos to include and what they said about me. I said “great kisser” when I meant “great in bed” hoping that you would understand what I meant but not take it as an invitation to talk about sex. I said “open minded” rather than “kinky” because God forbid I should be able to admit to being sexual without that admission meaning that I was no longer to be respected. I wrote, rewrote, published, edited, solicited feedback from friends, edited again and am still not fully satisfied that my 1000 word essay encompasses the lush complexity of me. And after all of that effort, you open a conversation with “Hey sexy”?

I can’t tell you how disappointed I am. In that one sentence, you’ve said “Hey, I didn’t bother to read that thing that you slaved over to give me a sense of the essence of you—I’m only interested in what you look like and I like what I see.” You gave no effort to get to know me. You made very little effort in contacting me. You expressed interest in the shallowest part of my being and somehow you’re surprised when I don’t bother with a response? You insulted me out of the gate. I don’t waste time on men who will never respect me.

Want To Get Me To Engage?

Read my profile. Comment on something that I said there. Reveal yourself a bit in your answer (“yeah, I really enjoy that too”, or “funny story about that…”). And then ask me a question—preferably not a “yes” or “no” answer one so that I know what to say in my response to you. A good conversationalist always leaves a door open to more conversation. Don’t shut me down. If I like something that you don’t, fine. Just say, “oh, interesting” and then move on to the next subject. I’ll follow along. If you say “I don’t know anything about that” or “I hate that”, then you’ve just sucked all the wind out of the sails of the conversation boat. You want to keep that boat moving because it’s what takes you to Date Land.

Chatting and Pet Names

If you do catch my attention enough to get me on chat, be kind, be respectful, be interested in something other than sex or my big tits or even my eyes. I am someone on the inside. Get to know her. And flirt with me—but be smart about it. Don’t suggest that you’re going to spank me for being a bad girl. Even if that is my thing, you haven’t earned the right to say it yet. And for the love of all that is holy, please do not call me by a pet name before we meet. Calling me sweetie, honey, love, cutie, etc. is a way of assuming a level of intimacy that does not yet exist. It makes me shrink back. It’s like a woman saying “I love you” on the first date. Right? There’s a scrotum-shrinker. Same thing here, guys. It makes you come off creepy. Leave the pet names for after the first meeting.

[Image: Shutterstock]

Meeting

For years I’ve heard guys complain that women take forever to meet you. And for years I’ve agreed that it’s better to meet quickly to find out if there is chemistry before wasting a lot of time online. But here’s the rub. In recent years, this policy has come back to bite me in the butt. If I don’t require that a man at least exchange 8-10 emails with me, then there is a really good chance that on that first date, he will stand me up. So don’t be surprised if other women have had that same experience and insist on spending a little more time getting to know you before agreeing to meet.

Now For What Should Be Obvious But Clearly Isn’t

I’ve been on the online dating sites for a while now and let me say this—as a woman, it’s pretty scary out there. If you have written a good profile and have a decent picture of yourself looking relatively good, you’ll get somewhere around 3-5 emails a week. If you’re hot, make that 8-10 per day. Fully one quarter of those emails will be from men offering nothing more than a “hey, you’re hot” or the ever popular “wanna hook up?” I even had a conversation once with a 20 year old (I’m 43) that went like this:

Him – “milf” [Yes, this was his first comment and it was one word.]

Me – “I’m not a mother” [What can I say? I like a little subtle humor.]

Him – “cougar” [Clearly he missed the subtlety.]

Me: “You’re not very good at this are you?”

Him – “Wanna fuck?” [At which point I lost interest in my entertainment with the conversation and hit the “block” button]

OK guys, I know that there is this heady kind of thrill to being behind a computer. I know that the fact that the woman isn’t in front of you makes you bolder than you would normally be. But here’s the thing—there’s a reason you’re not that bold in person. We’d slap you. Or throw a drink in your face. Or call you mother and tell on you.

Sadly, I often find myself in a position of wishing there were an app that requires a man’s mother to watch the conversation. It might actually cause them to behave like respectful human beings once in a while.

Penis Pics – Seriously?!!? Come on.

You can’t walk around with nothing but an overcoat on and flash any pretty woman you see. You’d be arrested. So what makes you think that I want to see your dick in my email box? And yes, that’s true even if you are terribly well-endowed. There are very few women I know (and I talk to a lot of women about sex) who would rule out a man or choose one for the size and/or shape of his penis. Truth be told, in my experience, and according to those I’ve asked, men with larger penises are sometimes worse in bed than those with average or smaller penises—because they figured their natural size was sufficient and they never learned any of the other skills. Regardless, your dick is not a selling point for most women.

[Image: Shutterstock]

Sexting

If I’m on a regular dating site, it’s likely NOT because I want to sext with you. There are places for that—try AdultFriendfinder or Fetlife. I’m just a nice girl looking for a nice guy to date. I’m not your personal porn star designed to play out your fantasies on command—much as you’d like to believe that was true. As a woman, I am not going to talk to you about sex until I am considering having it with you. Until then, it’s none of your business.

Dating Is About Connecting

It’s that simple. Your job as a man is to connect with me on some level—intellectual, emotional, and, yes, eventually sexual. But the key word in that sentence is “eventually”. Most women don’t think about having sex every few minutes. You’re lucky if I think about it even five times a day. What I DO think about is kissing you. I think about your strong arms holding me. I think about how it would feel to have your breath on my neck, your lips nibbling my ears, whispering softly to me how much you want me… mmm… sorry, I went to my happy place. This is what turns me on: the suggestion of those acts and the implied (NOT explicit) promise of more to come.

Why You Turn Women Off

I WANT you to turn me on. Really, I do. And I want to talk to you about sex—eventually. But you have to wait to be invited. Asking sexual questions without waiting for me to open the subject (which I am unlikely to do until after at least one, if not more dates) is like walking up to me in a bar and groping me. I feel violated. I feel invaded. At best, you’ve disrespected me and I pull back. At worst you’ve done emotional violence and I block you. Is this really the approach that you think is going to get you anywhere?

[Image: Shutterstock]

Invite Me To Connect

I want to be invited in. I want to be left the space to invite you back. The movie Hitch wasn’t wrong. It’s your job to lean in 90 percent of the way and then wait for me to cover that final distance. If you don’t, I don’t feel like I have any choice in the matter, I feel trapped, and even if I did want to connect with, kiss, or have sex with you before, I’m left feeling like I’m not so sure now—because you didn’t leave me a choice and having that choice taken away makes me feel somehow vulnerable and frightened.

Stop Skipping The Good Stuff

The most magical time in a relationship is at the beginning. That first glance, that first touch, the exchange of names and the thrill of the possibility. If you go straight into sexual conversation online, you’ve skipped over all this other amazing stuff. If you strip me bare before we’ve ever met, what more is there left to entice you with? When you walk down the path of sex-before-meeting, you cheat me out of being the seductress and you out of being seduced, and the entire world is worse off for it.

Kelle Sparta is a Thought Alchemist, Shaman, and Coach who is the expert in accelerated personal growth. She helps you develop personal power, set good boundaries, and cultivate self-love. For more information about how Kelle can help you unleash yourself, visit her website at www.KelleSparta.com and sign up for your free energy scan to find out where to focus to amplify your growth.

Originally published on The Good Men Project

[Image: Shutterstock]

  by Erika Nicole Kendall

NOT TO SOUND AN ALARM OR ANYTHING BUT BLACK AMERICA IS IN CRISIS.

You haven’t heard? According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), 70 percent of black men and 80 percent of black women are either overweight or obese. Nearly 26 percent of our children between the ages of 6 and 17 are obese. Obesity isn’t the sole cause for concern, as we are developing heart disease, cancer, type 2 diabetes, and high cholesterol at rates far exceeding our nonblack counterparts.

If you pay close enough attention, the implication is that it’s our fault that we’re fat. Documentaries like Soul Food Junkies lay blame at the feet of the rich dishes we’ve eaten since we came to America. And studies like one conducted by researchers at Cardiff University and University of Bristol—which aimed to determine why exercise seemed to fail at helping young black girls lose weight—declared that, genetically, we process fat inefficiently, implying that our bodies prefer to be fat.

It’s the old-fashioned pathology that dysfunction is inherently rooted in black culture; our music, our hair, our food, and our bodies are all flawed and need to be fixed. But after years of writing about nutrition, one thing has become clear: This weight thing is not the racial battle we’ve been led to believe it is.

The first indicators of an American weight problem were uncovered circa 1994, when scientist Katherine Flegal realized that 20 million people had become overweight over the course of approximately a decade. Numbers that had long been stagnant were increasing quickly enough to cause concern. In the 1960s, the average 20- to 29-year-old woman weighed 129 pounds. In 2000, the latest year for which comparative data is available, she weighed 157. What happened over the course of 40 years to cause such a change in the trajectory of America’s weight?

I HAVE A FEW IDEAS

In the early 20th century, our government approached food manufacturing with trepidation, and it showed. Early advertising for breakfast cereal included explanations of how it was made (shot from extruder guns), and claims that the buyer should embrace processed food as “the future.” It conveyed a clear message: “Let us do the work for you.”

What the food manufacturing industry didn’t realize until much later is that processing food destroyed the vitamins, minerals, phytochemicals, and gut flora that help a body not only survive, but thrive. The products, while cheaper and quicker to prepare, were nutritionally deficient. So they were promptly stuffed with lab-created vitamins to rectify the deficit.

The companies grew, crafting more—as author Michael Pollan calls it—“edible foodlike substances” for the American public to enjoy, including a product so stuffed with additives that it could no longer call itself “cheese,” instead taking on the name “singles,” and “maple syrup” loaded with high fructose corn syrup as opposed to the blood sugar–friendly tree sap. Accepting these adulterated foods allowed for the creation of margarine, a synthetic food product once touted as the thing to help America beat its butter addiction. And accepting margarine—made purely of the trans fats that the Food and Drug Administration later identified as unhealthy—is what led to countless diagnoses of heart disease and, ultimately, death.

BUT IT GETS WORSE

It used to be that if something was an artificial version of a real, familiar product, it had to identify itself as such. Not so after 1973. Thanks to new “regulation,” we saw an influx of products that were no longer the wholesome recipes we’d been accustomed to, and they carried no quick way, such as in the labels, to tell the difference. Suddenly, ingredient lists were full of hyphens, dashes, color numbers (yellow #4, anyone?), and sugar. Ahh, yes. How could we forget the sugar?

Somewhere along the line, the industry stumbled upon the trifecta: sugar, fat, and salt. Combine any two of the three together the right way, and your brain falls in L-O-V-E. Food brands survive on loyalty. It wasn’t enough to entrench themselves in our homes and our stomachs—they wanted to get into our hearts, too. So they sought to give customers everything they wanted—to compel them to come back and buy again. Tasty and cheap? Who wouldn’t keep coming back for more?

BETCHA CAN’T EAT JUST ONE

What kinds of cultural changes can happen when brands get you hooked on what they’re selling? Besides the natural, organic corn in your cornbread being replaced with sugary Jiffy mix, and the animals on your plate being raised in ways that result in far more fat than actual muscle in every cut? The most important change is that nearly two generations grew up without learning to cook. They are dependent upon processed food—devoid of nutrition, filled with sugar, fat, and salt—to survive, and leaving their health in the hands of companies far more interested in pleasing their shareholders than contributing to their consumers’ health.

We’ve come to the crux of the problem: The most cheaply made, cheaply stocked, and cheaply sold products are the least healthy, least nutritious, and least filling—yet they are the most widely available. In a country where so many people live at or below the poverty line, who, regardless of race, wouldn’t consider a cheap meal a steal?

As a society that trusted food science in ways we’d never trusted it before, we were collectively let down. All of us. To continue painting obesity as a black problem is to let processed food manufacturers off the hook. To continue painting this as an issue of race, rather than economics, ignores the reality of poverty and alleviates us of responsibility for its consequences. It protects us from having to do the work.

This isn’t a problem of culture. It is a problem of processed food. It isn’t black America’s problem; it’s everyone’s problem. We’d be wise to remember that before we diss Big Mama’s soul food.

Erika Nicole Kendall is a New York City–based physical trainer and nutritionist whose blog, A Black Girl’s Guide to Weight Loss, chronicles her own 160-pound weight-loss journey (blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com).

In today’s link roundup: Will Smith’s clan is compared to the Kardashians, how to hook up at a wedding, and much more!

Hello Beautiful
PRESS PLAY: Kelly Rowland Debuts New Song Featuring Beyonce & Michelle, “You’ve Changed”
Reunited and it sounds so good …

BlackEnterprise.com
Family Business: Diana Ross & Her Familial Supremes
Ross’ five children, including Tracee Ellis Ross, are continuing her legacy.

The Frisky
Dating Don’ts: A Field Guide To Getting Lucky At A Wedding
First rule: Don’t attempt to sleep with anyone who is married, including the newlyweds.

Loop21
Why Black America Is Afraid Of Mental Health
Overcoming the stigma might be harder than seeking help.

VibeVixen
President Obama Explains Lipstick on Collar: “I Do Not Want To Get In Trouble With Michelle”
No scandal here.

BlackVoices
Will Smith Shoots Down Kardashian Comparison: Fame Is A By-Product Of What We’re Trying To Accomplish
In other news, the Kardashians are elated at the comparison.

The post LOTD: Destiny’s Child Reunites For New Kelly Rowland Song + Whose Lipstick Was On Obama’s Collar? appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.

Courtesy of The Root

“I’m a well-known writer of women’s fiction. I want to incorporate black characters into my books. How does a white woman write black women correctly? For example, is it disrespectful to have a black woman have a bit of a thing for white men? What’s the best way to introduce a black female character in a book? Do I write something like, ‘Despite being African American, Carissa found blond men attractive’? Or something like, ‘Right or wrong, Carissa loved white boys and had picked one out to take home with her’?

“There’s a sad dearth of people of color in romantic fiction. I doubt it’s racism. I think it’s mainly because so many white writers, like me, simply don’t know how to get it right, so we stay in our comfort zone. Any advice?” — Too White to Write?

If, by saying you want to write black women “correctly,” you mean “in a way that’s guaranteed not to inspire any complaints, constructive critiques or outright criticism,” you should probably just stick to your genre’s safely monochromatic cast of characters.

Keep reading …

When it comes to TV dramas, Kerry Washington‘s “Scandal” is at the top of the list. So it comes as no surprise that The Hollywood Reporter chose the talented beauty to represent “The Hot Drama Queens” on the June 7, 2013 issue.

Kerry towers over fellow TV drama queens, Kate Mara of “House of Cards”; Monica Potter of “Parenthood”; Connie Britton of “Nashville”; Elisabeth Moss of “Mad Men”; and Anna Gunn of “Breaking Bad,” on THR‘s cover.

RELATED: Film Noir: Kerry Washington

There is no confusion about why Kerry was chosen, considering the “Scandal” season finale was the series’ most watched episode, won its time slot in ratings, and reached an all-time high amongst women ages 18 to 34; 18 to 49; and 25 to 54. And with more than 4.3 million tweets (571,000 alone for the season finale!), “Scandal” was ABC’s most social program.

The post ‘The Hollywood Reporter’: Kerry Washington Towers Over The Drama Queens appeared first on UPTOWN Magazine.