By Tracy Clayton
Hey, y’all! I have an important and exciting announcement to make: I am now, officially, a relationship expert! When did that happen, you ask? Roughly 15 minutes ago when I decided that I wanted to be one. What are my qualifications? I have access to the internet and a Twitter account, which is apparently all you need to be a relationship expert these days (having a ridiculously huge mustache and a few failed marriages doesn’t hurt, either). I can make corny puns just as good as the next man can. So why not me?
To celebrate my new-found expertise, I’ll be writing a series of ruminations on love and relationships, covering a variety of topics. First up: Is it possible to fall out of love with someone?
I almost ditched this question because it initially seemed like a no-brainer. Of course you can fall out of love. If you can fall into it, then why can’t you fall out of it? Relationships don’t work out all the time, right?
But then I thought about it, and I think there’s a distinction that we could stand to make, for clarity’s sake, and before that, there are some thoughts and terms to define. What is love? What does it mean to be in love? As we proceed, please keep in mind that these are just my thoughts and opinions, but since I’m a relationship expert, I’m probably right.
Love. Merriam-Webster defines it, primarily, as: “A strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personalities.” The Bible characterizes love as patient, kind, not boastful, not proud. In real world terms, love is when someone asks for the last bite of whatever it is you’re eating and you give it to them, willingly. Even though you really wanted that last bite. Love is being able to find the will to forgive someone after they record over your “Ricki Lake” and “Jenny Jones Show” episodes you taped back in middle school. Love is going to a Drake concert with your boo even though you can’t stand Drake. Love is wanting more for someone than you want for yourself; it is sacrificing happily, accepting unconditionally, and giving without expectation.
And you can love anyone. Your mom, your brother, your boo, the lady at the deli that slices your turkey juuuuust right. Love is love. There are different types of love–maternal love, platonic love, etc. But plain ol’, naked, straight up & down love is the basis for them all.
[Photo: Shutterstock]
Romantic love, for example, is love + infatuation. People often confuse the two, love and infatuation, because they can sometimes be difficult to discern. The difference, though, is resilience. Infatuation is as flimsy and fragile as a champagne flute under Rick Ross’ foot. Romantic love is sturdy, time-tested, and strong; this is what I think of when people talk about being “in love.” Once you have this with someone, can it go away? Can you fall out of it?
Sort of. I actually don’t like the terminology, “fall out of love” because I think it’s misleading. Have you ever seen someone fall down in slow motion in real life? Of course you haven’t. Falling happens quickly and jarringly (and sometimes hilariously). You’re on your feet one moment, and laid out flat on your butt the next. I think it’s folly to think of love in those black and white terms, as something that happens in the blink of an eye.
In my professional relationship expert opinion, romantic love does not go away so much as it becomes something else. It changes and evolves, as life itself does. I posit that people don’t fall out of love–they fall out of infatuation, they fall out of romance. Love–the naked, plain, no-frills love–that remains.
Or it should, at least. It seems to me that a force as strong as love, once it is actualized, is always there at least in trace amounts. Because love doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll be together forever; sometimes it means I care greatly for you and want the best for you, even if I can’t give it to you.
And if you don’t feel that way once the romance is gone and the smoke clears, then maybe it wasn’t real love in the first place.
[Photo: Shutterstock]
