If you’re a promising young Darth Vader-lite recruit eager to shut down poorly resourced resistance movements then Ferguson University is just the school for you.
Nestled comfortably along historic, tear-gas can littered West Florrisant Avenue in the sleepy working class suburb of Ferguson, Missouri, FU is considered the Ivy League of police crackdowns. We are ranked #1 for Best Practice in political corruption, deceptive mass media manipulation and sophisticated State of Emergency response for Class 3 city social unrest.
Our award-winning think tank, the Center for Shutting Down Social Protest Movements (CSDSPM or “Cease and Desist Punk Mutha …!” for short), represents some of the most innovative minds in the dark art of 21st century despotism. Drawing from a deep stable of Jim Crow Association accredited experts our faculty hold certifications in COINTELPRO Tradecraft and memberships in the prestigious Dystopia- level SWAT Beta Kappa Society.
Ferguson University is a state-run, state-funded institution that depends on the generous support of crooked politicians and apathetic non-voting taxpayers. We also rely on a continuous supply of federal grants and mainstream media propaganda.
We want to first congratulate you on your accomplishments as an outstanding crime fighter holding back the insurgent forces of unarmed, frustrated and well-intentioned people of color. As a result, you have been selected among an impressive pool of candidates who possess unique sociopathic qualities which meet our rigorous academic standards.
As you know, these are very exciting times at Ferguson University. Our Division I All-Star qualifying Gas Masks just won the Paramilitary Bowl for an extraordinary overtime-paid win against the last place African American Protesters. It was a knuckle-biting high-stakes game which stretched on for several months. But in the end our Gas Masks pulled it together with superior firepower and armored vehicle support. Go get ‘em Masks!
In case you missed it, we just awarded our esteemed local alum – the white Mayor and nearly all-white City Council of Ferguson – with Honorary Doctorates in Political Survival for their brilliant grip on power in a city that is 70 percent black. Not only did they safely patronize Ferguson’s black residents with meaningless town halls while standing by white police Chief Thomas Jackson, but they sat back as disorganized, clueless advocates failed to organize an easy recall election against them. How awesome is that!
We’re doing some amazing, undemocratic and racially-charged things here at Ferguson University. Should you enroll here, we hope you will consider special admission in to our nationally-recognized Juris Doctor program run by J. Edgar Hoover Professor of Law Robert McCulloch.
‘Judge Bob’ – as he’s fondly called – is a St. Louis County state’s attorney running our student legal clinic. In fact, he just completed a very successful and unscrupulous backroom pro-bono defense of FU senior Darren Wilson. McCulloch’s duplicitous oversight of the grand jury trial was masterfully engineered to stonewall the investigation well into November, much longer than most probes. And not only did Darren avoid criminal indictment through masterful leaks of sensitive case material, but the process completely shed doubt on the credibility of shooting victim Michael Brown and dozens of witnesses.
In addition, we are pleased to announce Wilson’s selection as a Visiting Fellow in our very selective, all-expenses paid Cop Administrative Leave and Protection Program. That includes a platinum legal defense fund financed by police departments from all around the country. He is so relieved to know that he has such a supportive network behind him!
But we’re not just all about destroying any sense of faith you might have in a padded court system. We’ve also built one of the most highly respected science and research facilities in the world. Through our state of-the-art Weather Schematics curriculum, you can expertly align police operations with freezing temperatures thereby paralyzing the most committed protesters. This tactic was wildly successful in helping end the short-lived Occupy Wall Street sit-ins. Or, you can master Riot Gear Procurement 400 so you too can adequately outfit your local police department with the latest in cutting edge crowd dispersal technology.
Housed within CSDS is the elite Institute of Movement Destabilization (we’ve nicknamed this the “IMD” or “roadside bomb” of burgeoning social justice movements). Here we teach you how to dismantle loosely knitted community action groups. We also train you how to sit back and watch misguided protest “leaders” fail to mount any effective political campaign against the people in charge.
We are also honored to welcome Missouri Governor Jay Nixon (D-MO) to our esteemed Eugene “Bull” Connor Public Safety Lecture Series. Listen to Gov. Nixon’s fascinating insights into the exciting world of crisis management, along with evasive speech techniques and creating your very own time-buying “Ferguson Commission.” He’ll also give you tips on cutting deals with feckless black elected officials in St. Louis and surrounding counties.
The path to policing greatness is, indeed, the road less travelled. We at FU understand how incredibly tough it is to dismantle organized people of color. It’s why we’re rolling out our Project 2050 program as we prepare our best and brightest for the coming disruption of a non-white majority U.S. population in the next 40 years.
When black and brown suspects pop off, Ferguson University graduates are there proudly protecting racial and economic inequality. We look forward to you becoming a part of the FU family and learning how to keep our great nation safe during these troubling times. Happy Hog Tying!
CHARLES D. ELLISON is a veteran political strategist and Chief Political Correspondent for Uptown Magazine. He is also Washington Correspondent for the Philadelphia Tribune and a frequent politics contributor to The Root. He can be reached via Twitter @charlesdellison.