I have a homegirl who is in a rocky, but ultimately loving relationship with the man of her dreams. The dude is tall, attractive, gainfully employed, well-traveled, and friendly. The thing is, dudes like him tend to have a lot of “female friends,” but not the sisterly kind. His female friends are more like the ones who would replace my friend’s ass in a hot second, if they were ever given the opportunity. These “friends” are the root cause of a lot of arguments between my homegirl and her man about boundaries, respect, and loyalty. While disagreements are typical in relationships, what she does to “win” these debates is terrible. She gives him relationship-ending ultimatums. But she hasn’t figured out that is the fastest way to irreparably damage their relationship.
A relationship-ending ultimatum is a threat or demand someone makes when they want to back their significant other into a corner to make them “act right,” under the fake guise that their wrong choice will to the dissolution of the relationship immediately. Although it’s completely ridiculous to even make that threat, what irreparably damages the relationship is the fact that most people who make that claim, don’t actually go through with the “or else” and end up staying with the person. Communication and trust are the most important pillars of a relationship, and if your significant other loses faith in your ability to do both with honesty, your relationship is effectively OVER.
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Ladies, I can’t even begin to tell you how bad it is for the health of your relationship to tell a man “do this or else I’m leaving you” and then stay with him — after he didn’t do what you wanted. He’ll no longer respect your demands (no matter how rational, logical, or fair they might be). And now your legitimate concerns will always be placed in the “crying wolf” box, which he will eagerly ignore as nothing more than cries for attention. So one day, you will come to him with a reasonable request about how unhappy you are due to his actions, and he won’t do a damn thing to change his behavior because he simply doesn’t buy the authenticity of your words. Once he gets there, the relationship is pretty much a wrap, because he’s going to treat you — and your emotions — like a second-class citizen.
Ultimatums are meant for boardrooms and business meetings, not bedrooms and relationships. But, if you get to the point in which you need to say one to your man, make sure it truly reflects the dire nature of your feelings. Don’t use an ultimatum as a ploy to get him to acquiesce to your demands.
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience.