I am currently finishing up year two of being celibate. Yes … two years, you read that right. It’s the truth and, yeah, two years, OK! I did not deliberately choose celibacy; it chose me. To be perfectly honest, I would love to meet someone amazing enough to break this non-self-imposed celibate life! We have all made the mistake of equating sex with love, right? Think about it … How many stories have we listened to our girlfriends tell about that guy they went on a few dates with, slept with, and who eventually moon-walked away?
Sex is a huge factor in most relationships, and most times we end up having sex with people we are not in committed relationships with. While I am in no way passing judgment on those who do, I am explaining why that option isn’t for me. There is something to be said for two adults who actually take the time to get to know each other without the complications of sex clouding their judgment. Often (women especially) have sex with a man in the very early stages of dating, whether that be the first or third date. It’s not about making him wait, or testing him to see how patient he will be. It is about getting to know someone for who they truly are and deciding if this person is who you want to be in an exclusive relationship with. Also, if they are deserving of having such an important piece of your body, heart and soul. Being celibate has taught me more about myself in the past two years than ever before. These are the three major love lessons learned:
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Lesson one: I am not willing to waste mine or someone else’s time. How many times have we all made this mistake? You meet someone you are not really that into, or you notice red flags about them, but choose to carry on dating. Then, you end up talking to or spending time with this person knowing that you have no intention of pursuing a relationship with them. Someone being nice to you does not make them the one for you. Someone wanting to sleep with you does not mean you have to let them.
Lesson two: I will never hide my sexual pleasure or displeasure out of worry for someone else’s ego. I have faked orgasms (who hasn’t). I have pretended to be into a sexual position that brought me no pleasure. Why? Out of fear that I would hurt his feelings. Fear that I’d b judged for speaking my mind. Fear that he would be upset. Fear that he would break-up with me. How many of us have felt this way at some point in our lives? Speaking up for what you want, guiding someone lovingly, communicating openly about what you like, and being completely honest about your needs are essential for a happy and pleasurable sex life with your partner.
Lesson three: I know what I want, but more importantly, I know what I need. I want to give my heart and love to someone. I want a guy who will take me on a date to Medieval Times. I want a guy who understands that I am really into ’90s R&B. I need a man who understands my heart. I need a man who will accept me for who I am, and I need a man that can communicate his wants and needs to me. I need a man that is loving and kind.
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There are plenty of women and men who can separate emotion from sex, not get caught up in the rush of endorphins, and clouded judgments that make you believe he or she is the one, when in fact they are not. I am not one of those people. I dated someone a few months ago for about a month and he wanted to take things to the next level. I explained that I was not ready, as he was dating other people and felt sex was not safe, nor a good idea at the time. Cut to one week later when he disappeared and three weeks later he texts me with a pathetic excuse for his absence. Had I slept with him my heart would have been broken, and I would have blamed myself for his lack of integrity. Luckily he did not get that piece of my emotion, heart, and soul because I chose to not give it away too soon. Now into my thirties, I have finally figured out what I want and it’s not a fling, but a committed relationship. And until I truly get to know someone and vice versa, there are lots of diners that I will allow to sit at my table, but only that special one will have dessert.
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