This month marks my fifth year of living single and a realization of the five mistakes I made along the single girl highway. It’s amazing what you discover about yourself when you truly take the time to focus on self. As women we often have a need to please or be liked, and as little girls are often told to, “be nice” and we’re expected to always be kind, likeable, and to make others happy. At times we carry this with us on an unconscious level, and for me it led to making these five dating mistakes regularly in relationships. When researching and creating this list, I discovered through chats and blog comments, that these mistakes are commonalities most of us have, sadly:
Making excuses: If he wants you, you will know! When a man is interested in you, he shows you. Period. Stop making excuses for his absence or lack of attention. I work full-time, write for UPTOWNMagazine.com and my blog, and am filming a webseries I also wrote, but I still make time for someone when I am interested in them. Listen if President Obama can orchestrate date nights with the First Lady, then that guy you met at the bar, mall, or Barnes & Noble last week can make time for you. So let’s all agree to the following pledge: “I will no longer accept or perpetuate lame excuses. If you want me show me.”
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Trying to change someone: Never and I mean never try to change someone to fit the mold of what you want or need them to be. If he is telling you from the jump that he does not want to get married, and you know that you do, do not think that you will change his mind about marriage. If he wants kids, and you know you don’t, then do not try to show him all the benefits of a child-free life to better suit your needs. People changing to please others is not a genuine change. You change to improve yourself or your own life, which will in turn make you more attractive to others. No trying to change him, either love him the way he is or walk away.
Expecting way too much: When you put all your hope and expectation into someone, then you are setting them up for failure. What I mean is when you meet someone and expect them to fulfill your every need you will invariably be let down. Living up to high expectations is something I have touched on in a previous post. There is no Prince — or Princess — Charming out there that will be this perfect mix of all the qualities that you want, and fulfill your every need. He will be flawed and you will argue, and he will act selfishly, and he will disappoint you in some way, but does that make him horrible or just human? So, stop expecting perfection.
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Giving too much too soon: OK so you meet him, and you like him, think he’s amazing and everything you’ve always wanted in a person, and you sleep with him three days into dating. Cut to two weeks later and he is nowhere to be found. OK I know what you are thinking sleeping with someone early on is not necessarily a bad thing, and not all men just want you for sex. But what is wrong with getting to know someone before you sleep with them? (Note to men reading this: Don’t get me wrong not all women want you to be their boyfriend, guys, and sometimes we just want sex, so we will sleep with you and move on.) I am referring to the person that you really can see yourself being in a relationship with. Why not let yourself discover who they are as a person aside from sex so that when you do sleep together it means more then just reaching orgasm? So, if I foresee a future with you I want to know you as a person first, sex will naturally come later.
Listening to all your friends: We all go to our friends for advice and many of us — myself included — follow their advice. The problem with that is not everyone in your life is your true friend, and not all your friends are qualified to give you advice. Lets talk about the pseudo-friend … She is the one you mainly just party with, shop with, or occasionally talk with on the phone.
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She has had nothing but a string of failed relationships in her life and is sleeping with a few different guys right now because they all give her “something different.” This is the girl who you just party with because she gets drunk, and acts a fool which means you can get drunk, and act a fool. You shop with her because she doesn’t talk you out of that huge and unnecessary credit card purchase you are about to make. You talk to her about all of your relationship drama because she never tells you what you’re doing is wrong, or that you need work on yourself. You know why she is all these things because she herself is miserable, she is sleeping with a few people out of insecurity, she is shopping while she does not have a job, and telling you everything you do is right, because those “right” actions are keeping you just as miserable as she is. I fell into this type of “friendship” with someone years ago, and I swear all she did was bring out all my insecurities and amplify them.
She constantly gave me advice and told me what I should be doing and who I should have in my life, and looking back I realize that she is angry, misguided, and insecure, which is exactly why when she decided she hated me I didn’t understand why. Then I had a huge wake-up call. She decided she hated me when I had just started a new job that I really wanted, she decided to hate me when I decided I did not want to party every weekend because after all you have to grow up sometime, and she decided to hate me when I decided to stop listening to every damn thing she said. If you have that one friend who is always shelling out advice when her own life is in shambles, take a step back and really look at from where her advice is coming.
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