Recently I participated in a relationship panel discussion in which a few men and I were asked very direct questions about sex and dating by a room full of women. The first question to kick the night off was: “Is there such thing as a perfect man?” Instantly, the other women in the room began to roll their eyes hard, as if there was a foregone conclusion. In fact, I remember one woman audibly laughing like Nelson on “The Simpsons.” The men on the panel gave answers that denied the existence of a perfect man in some form or the other. Since I was the last to answer, I shocked most of the people in the room by simply stating, “Yes, the perfect man does exist.”
Before I could even begin defending my stance, the backlash came quick, fast, and very harsh. I followed up my seemingly controversial point with a reality that is far too often overlooked when we talk about perfection and relationships — being a perfect partner is NOT about being flawless. It’s about being perfectly compatible with the person you are dating. Perfection in love does NOT exclude having shortcomings. It’s about achieving true harmony with someone else mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
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As I continued, I asked the women in the room one simple question: “If every woman in this room wrote down a list of what makes the perfect man, is it fair to say that each one of you would have a different list?” Every woman in the room replied, “Yes.” That means that even if Woman A created a man without flaws (i.e. the traditional concept of “The Perfect Man”) and she sent that man on a date with Woman B, the latter would NOT find him to be flawless at all. In fact, Woman B would see more than a few major issues that would need to be changed about him. And that’s a result of one main factor, our conceptualization of so-called perfection is predicated on our own subjective desires. Perfection is what we make it, and it’s far from a scientific fact.
Now I know some people are reading this and thinking, “Just because my concept of flawless differs from another woman’s, that doesn’t make it any less true and unattainable.” But to argue that is to miss the main point — perfection is the result of a remarkable state of COMPATIBILITY. Not just lust, or infatuation, or simple longing, but a connection that supersedes intellectual comprehension and tangible evaluation. While true love is nothing more than a fairy tale concept to many, there are some people who understand how real it really is because they are (or were) with someone truly suited for them.
The problem with the concept of perfection as it pertains to love, is that somewhere along the line some narcissistic jackass decided that a perfect partner means someone without any faults. S/he arrived at this conclusion through the same stupid-ass mistake that far too many of us make at some point in our lives. We forgot that we are nowhere NEAR flawless ourselves. It is incredibly easy to look at someone else and point out what makes them below par, but taking stock of our own individual impairments is damn near impossible. Men can look at women and tear them down from the flatness of her butt or chest, to her perceived personality flaws, and even all the way down to her career and school choice. Women can look at a man and disparage his appearance, his lack of financial security, and a bunch of other flaws. But how many people can realistically assess what makes them flawed in a truly candid manner? So many people equate relationship perfection with finding a flawless person because so many of us are blind to our own faults. If we were more realistic, we would realize that the concept of finding a perfect man or a perfect woman is an absolutely realistic possibility. Just as soon as you drop the pretense that a perfect mate is someone without any shortcomings.
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Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience.