By Greg Simms
If you’ve read any of my pieces for the Good Men Project recently, you know that I’ve tried to explain the behavioral DNA of American “typical” males. I know that many of this website’s male readers are socially advanced and very bright. Many of our faithful fellas live outside of the box that is normal American manhood, and that’s a wonderful thing.
But, some of our dudes are regular (for lack of a better word) guys.
And I’m one of them.
As a man who leans towards the more typical end of the man-spectrum, I can tell you that I’ve had to unlearn a ton of old man beliefs and teachings in the past few years. Not only due to my position as a writer/editor, but also because of recent sweeping social changes. And, it hasn’t been easy. I’ve documented my upbringing and past before, so I won’t go there again. However, I will divulge one particular nugget from my yesteryears.
I used to be Mr. Friendzone.
I lived in the friendzone.
(Tangent. Can we all agree to give props at least ONCE to Chris Rock, who coined the term “friendzone” in his classic stand-up special Bring the Pain in 1996? Tangent over.)
I now know there is no such thing as the friendzone. It’s a fallback word for a guy who’s frustrated when a particular woman (or women) who he’s attracted to doesn’t feel the same way. No matter how many compliments, flowers, or cards he may give her.
But, I believed in the friendzone. Because I was taught the same thing that many men are taught by their fathers, sometimes mothers, and society in general.
Be a gentleman.
[Image: Shutterstock]
Actually, be a gentleman, and the woman I was being a gentleman to, would melt, fall in love with me, Disney music would cue, and she would be mine forever. Just because I was a gentleman. And, if the girl I was Prince Charm-ing didn’t fall for me, surely, there was something profoundly wrong with her.
I was taught that, and I’m betting, in some form or fashion, so was Elliot Rodger.
As a 41-year-old man, I know that old-school, archaic concept is some bullshit. Just because a man is nice to a woman, doesn’t entitle her to like him. At all.
But, as a young man who had it drilled into my head that the Meek Shall Inherit The Booty, I had no idea that the concept of “Me, nice guy. You, have my babies” was wrong. For years. And when the concept of the friendzone was introduced to pop culture (Thanks, Chris), I was convinced I’d be a resident of “the zone” for the rest of my days. I thought I was going to be the mayor of the friendzone.
[Image: Shutterstock]
I’m not, and never will be an Elliot Rodger sympathizer. It’s more than obvious he was a very disturbed (and evil) young man. But I do sympathize with men, especially young men who grew up learning the same thing I did. It took me a while to learn that I had to treat women as individuals, not as objects to be won. It was a struggle to realize that the best thing for me to be in the company of a woman was to be myself, warts, and all.
If only because at the end of the day, if I did end up dating said woman, then I was going to have to accept and possibly love her — warts and all. If anything, now is a time of unlearning for many guys. Rodger’s horrible crimes have sparked furious debate, outrage, and several kinds of societal examination from women and men. Men, in particular, can, and should, unlearn the dating, social rules of old, and learn new ways of interaction with women.
For any man out there who may be on the fence about hopping aboard the progress train, know this. It’s the same train that’s leaving the friendzone, and it’s never going back.
Trust me, life is so much better outside of the zone.
Originally appeared on The Good Men Project
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