A few days ago, my homegirl posted an image with the following quote on her Instagram:
“Until a man is completely satisfied with where he is in his life…he could never make a woman his #1 priority because he hasn’t met the goals that he has set for himself.”
Her caption read:
“Is anyone really completely satisfied? Sigh…so many women wait…patiently, impatiently, hoping, praying for something to happen.”
And as I read that, two questions quickly popped into my head. One, if this statement is true, how long have things been this way? Two, is it that men need to be accomplished in order to settle down, or is it that women require men to be accomplished in order to be considered a good man to settle down with?
[Image: Shutterstock/Shutterstock]
To answer the first question, I actually do believe that the quote in the picture is accurate. In today’s world, most ambitious men prioritize accomplishing their goals ahead of engaging in a serious relationship. But, the second part of that is analyzing how long men have been thinking like that, because it’s not an old-school mentality. If we Just look at our families, we will see numerous stories of our parents and grandparents struggling together, while creating a life for themselves and their children. This ranges from immigrants coming to a new land with little more than a couple of dollars in their pockets and a dream, to blue-collar parents that had to bust their asses to put food on the table. These men looked at family as the inspiration for hard work — not a burden preventing them from achieving their goals., So, what changed?
Some may think men, simply, decided they wanted to overcome financial insecurity by investing all their time into their professions before building a family. However, I think the truth is a little more complex than that. The answer to the second question is also the big difference between love today and love in the past: Women began to require men to be more accomplished.
Some women will read that as a slight, when it’s not an insult at all. The truth is, as much as we like to dwell in a nostalgic state and reminisce about how great our grandparents’ love was, we are not them, and the challenges we face in life have transformed how we conduct our personal lives. Today’s woman is not only more educated, better employed, and extremely entrepreneurial than women of the past, but today they are outpacing men in many categories. When you combine the fact that we live in a society with a greater focus on gender equality, with the fact that supporting a family with one income has become damn-near impossible, you get the professional scene we are left with today. Both men and women must be able to work, in order to support a happy home.
[Image: Shutterstock]
The truth about modern dating that no one wants to admit is that many women and men still have a very old-school outlook on how relationships are “supposed” to be. Men still believe it’s their job to be the breadwinner and the protector, and women still prefer to be with a man who makes more money than she. Both genders keep busting their asses to get to a point where they can deem themselves to be financially secure, all the while engaging in “casual” dating. Both bounce from one person to the next, not willing to pursue anything serious until they get their ish together. And both spend little time considering their emotional needs and their shortcomings as a significant other. And as we all collectively chase the magic salary we feel we need to earn and the job title we feel we need to have, we aren’t strengthening who we are as lovers and friends … but we damn sure are raising our collective expectations.
Simply put, the difference between love now and in the past, is we don’t believe in building with someone anymore, and we all just want finished products of people. The idea of being broke together and going through trials and tribulations, while growing in love is unappealing to our generation. We don’t want to learn how to love someone, we want them to be perfectly lovable when we’re ready, and any flaw in them will be over-exaggerated and seen as a deal breaker, as if our asses are flawless. We don’t want to become better people through the love and support of a unified family fighting for financial security. All of the things we propagate about the past, are the very same things we aren’t interested in pursuing in our own lives anymore. I can’t and won’t say whether this is a good or bad thing, but it is definitely a sign of the times … a time that is far more confusing than our grandparents’ era.
LAB
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience.
[Image: Shutterstock]