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How I Learned to Stop Chasing Relationships

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In the fourth grade I told Ryan that I liked him…Oh man you guys should have seen him, he was a total cutie pie with blondish brown hair and blue eyes. He liked my friend Summer, but I didn’t care. I liked him, and he rejected me. This actually made me like him even more. I also tried to be more like Summer because a few of the boys liked her, and I figured I’d get their attention by changing myself to be who they want. This is how the vicious cycle of chasing men and relationships began…Let’s just dedicate this post to Ryan shall we?

By the time I reached junior high things had sort of shifted for me. The boy in school that literally every girl liked…liked me! I really, really, thought I was special because he asked me to be his girlfriend. And yes this made all of the girls hate me, but who cares, I had the most popular guy in the eighth grade as my boyfriend and I could care less what they thought.  One day my eighth grade Adonis came up to me and told me that he didn’t think I looked pretty that day. His words were to the effect of, “I don’t understand how you can look so pretty one day and so….the next?” Yup. After that I made sure I washed my face and brushed my teeth each morning with a vigor I never had before. I had to always have perfect hair and make sure my uniform looked pristine because that would keep his attention on me. None of this worked of course as he later dumped me for a girl who put out…damn me and my eighth grade morals.

In high school I chased the guys who made it clear they did not want a relationship. If I liked someone and they did not like me, I would do things to get their attention. Shawn was a prime example of that. I never went on dates or had even been asked to a dance (cue the violins) until around eleventh grade…this is when my cute factor finally decided to show up, but I digress. Shawn always acted like he liked me and would call me (this was of course before texting and we all had pagers at this time) and play my favorite songs for me over the phone. Needless to say I fell completely in love. Well, Shawn was a total douchebag that was calling and playing songs for a few girls, but nevertheless I pursued him. He would at times give me no attention, so of course I gave him all of mine.

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Shawn would always say he was going to take me out on a date but would not follow through. Once I ditched school with him and his friends to see a movie, and he told me he had a free movie ticket. Shawn gave the free ticket to his friend, and I had to pay for mine. I still pursued. Then, he finally said he was taking me on a date. I excitedly tell my parents and I end up waiting for him to show up, as he pulls up to my house an hour late I still feel giddy. We didn’t even go anywhere! We hung out at his friend’s house and went to the Santa Monica pier to make-out. Geez I was an idiot.

Accepting crappy and disrespectful behavior from a man is not something I was ever taught to do, it’s something I learned to accept because the attention given to an insecure kid, teenager and eventually young adult woman was something I interpreted as good. If a guy wouldn’t call me or spend time with me I dismissed it as, “He’s busy with school.”, or, “He works late.” Excuses. I accepted what I knew made me unhappy just to keep that person around, which again was completely done out of insecurity. I’m so happy that I grew into an adult who learned to not accept this behavior anymore, but it took me going into my 30′s to get there. Now when I don’t receive a phone call, or he only texts and never puts in effort to make at least one call…I let him go because I know he’s not that into me.

This behavior is often accepted by women, and it makes me so mad! We are so busy setting our sights on the jerk who doesn’t call and only texts, or the guy who clearly does not want to be in a relationship and shows us such through his actions, that we miss out on or think the guy that doesn’t do all of those things is to nice.

Here are some telltale behaviors that I’ve accepted as proof positive hints about romantic interest levels:

  1. If a man/woman only texts you and never calls…they’re not that into you.
  2. If a man/woman only invites you over to his/her house and you don’t do anything together in public…they’re not that into you.
  3. If you give a man/woman your phone number and they do not call you until over one week later…they’re not that into you.
  4. If a man/woman tries to change you…they’re not that into you.
  5. If a man/woman has a new excuse for not calling, texting, spending time with, or being in a monogamous relationship with you…they’re not that into you.
These are obvious life lessons, yet we keep making excuses for such behavior. Chasing someone is something noone should ever have to do! There is a huge difference between showing someone you are interested in them and chasing them. But when someone’s behavior is subtle or a blatant display of disinterest, instead of chasing them thinking change will come…move on. Find someone who will willingly give you the love and attention you deserve.  Straight, no chaser.
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