In days past, I was a young girl who had yet to experience her first love or her first heartbreak. The level of idealism I possessed primed me to be swayed by almost any and every artistic aspect of romance – movies, novels, sonnets by Elizabeth Barrett Browning, and the like. One of my all-time favorite movies back in the day was Love Jones, among the first cinematic expressions of love and relationships between Black folk I remember seeing. I still recall getting a VHS copy from my uncle who visited from New Jersey – one watch, and I was hooked.
Isaiah Washington’s character, Savon, had a particular line that stuck with me from the very first viewing:
You guys are always hoppin’ and fallin’ in love. Love ain’t what it is. It’s easy to fall in love, but will someone, please, tell me how to stay there?
It initially struck me because my naive self couldn’t understand it, then later struck me for its truth once I was a bit older and wiser. Where I once thought that falling in love was the difficulty, I now see Savon’s point – standing and staying in it is where the real work lies.
Regardless of your thoughts on celebrity relationships, many of us were stunned when news of Paula Patton and Robin Thicke’s separation surfaced. For a couple that had been together since their teen years, and who seemed to have carved out a marriage style that worked for them, many were surprised by the split. I immediately thought of my own current relationship – a few years of dating followed by nearly 3 years of marriage – and Savon’s quote came ringing back.
There are the never-ending thinkpieces on single women, single men, and why people can’t find the partner they desire. The Carrie Bradshaw-Mr. Big revolving door relationships that seem much more glamorous on TV than in real life. The common jokes about “the old ball and chain” or warnings about the woes of settling down.
So many components play into the imbalanced focus on falling in love vs. staying in it – so what’s the gameplan once you’ve locked down that new paramour and are trying to solidify things for the long haul? Two key points come to mind:
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Effort Is Required
The world doesn’t stop once you’ve found that special someone and have made the decision to enter a committed relationship – that’s where you reach the next level of effort. The way I see it, it shouldn’t be a trial to love the person you’re with – but as Tina Turner says, when it comes to maintaining a relationship, “What’s love got to do with it?”
Did date nights slow to a halt once you “settled down?” Did you start taking gestures like sweet notes and calls “just because” for granted once you became committed? Do you feel like maintaining the components that initially satisfied physical/sexual attraction are no longer necessary because you “got ‘em”? Getting ‘em is one thing, but keeping ‘em is another – and effort is what helps most relationships to flourish instead of fizzle.
Also – think about the phrase “settle down” for a minute. We’re constantly urged to never settle for less than we deserve, but we then use that very word to proudly proclaim our new taken status. Settling down may have a different definition to you, but in my love life it’s equalled an obstacle to effort that neither partner felt urged to hurdle. It’s represented the worst sort of comfort – the kind that resembles laziness in the light of day. I made the decision in my current relationship to never settle down – instead, we stir it up by working to maintain the same level of fun, consistency, and attention that we did during the dating phase.
Like vs. Love
Another key to standing and staying in love is to actually like your partner. Do you genuinely like your partner as a person? Do you respect their values? Do you enjoy their presence?
These questions might sound a bit nonsensical, but when you think of the number of people who stay in relationships devoid of actually liking each other simply for familiarity…they make sense. What do you have if you don’t even have a mutual respect and admiration for each other, separate of romantic love? Generally, nothing worth keeping. You can like someone without loving them (an acquaintance), and you can love someone without liking them (that family member with whom you have a complex relationship with) – however, some of the best romantic relationships are between people who both like and love each other.
Liking your partner plays a major role in navigating the ebbs and flows of love as well. Even the most valiant of efforts to maintain a full relationship can be met with life’s curveballs – work schedules, financial stress, illness, and more – and the glue that holds things together isn’t always love. Sometimes it’s simply the fact that you like this person so much that you’re willing to fight through to get to the other side.
As Savon said in Love Jones, standing in love is often much more difficult than falling in it. In food terms, falling in love is just the appetizer. Staying in love in a committed relationship is like the entrée that tastes best with equal parts intention, effort, respect, and love – and without one of these crucial ingredients, you’ll never get to enjoy dessert.