Remember the days when you and your boyfriend had the same friends and you all hung out after school? Everyone was in the group – old flames, potential new flames, close friends, and even that one guy that kind of creeped you out.
Back when we were young, relationships were simple and everyone knew who was dating whom. This was known because not only was Susie Q wearing Termell’s letterman jacket, but they also had matching tennis shoes. And, if he was raised correctly, he was carrying her books to class. When the break up happened (as was a frequent occurrence in high school relationships) everyone knew about it an hour after it happened and there was typically reconciliation the next day.
During that interim period everyone who stood by the wayside during the relationship, male and female, exes and new prospects, would try their hand – some even succeeded and a new union formed or a former situation rekindled. Every day everyone had to sit together in class, assembly, or the periodic pep rally – the possibility of forced interaction was commonplace due to the environment. Interaction with exes was possible but social dynamics made it improbable for communication to occur without the news traveling through the grapevine and into your relationship.
After we received our diplomas, we elevated to the dynamics of undergraduate life, which, in essence, is simply a larger version of high school. The only difference was, depending on your institution of choice, the playing field was much larger and there was less of a chance that you had to see your boyfriend or girlfriend, much less your exes. There was less of a chance that people knew your business and the integrity and boundaries of your relationship dynamics was based on your personal convictions and morals rather than the knowledge (or fear for some) that your business would come to light.
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If a breakup did occur – those in your circle of friends knew and the chances of someone trying to move in on your significant other was not going to happen until weeks or even months later without the potential for drama. As youth we have a more lax view of relationships, but as we get older our social dynamics and, therefore our relationship dynamics, evolve and with that comes the necessity to eliminate sources of drama – one of which is often found in the form of the ex.
In the beginning stages of young adulthood, relationships take on a more significant tone. Many of us focus more on our careers, some of us have children to consider, and our significant others now are candidates for marriage. With the maturity in relationships comes a need to make our lovers happy – often sacrificing relationships with certain old flames. Often the main implication of being friends with an ex is the potential for infidelity, while for others who are mature enough he or she is simply another friend of their partner.
Being more mature in a relationship means implementing proactive damage control by knowing and being respectful of one’s significant other and their potential for jealousy, and knowing if these outside relationships will heighten that potential. YourTango reports the findings of Canadian researchers whose studies prove that maintaining a relationship with former lovers is detrimental to the growth of present relationships. Therefore it has been scientifically proven that lessening or altogether removing interaction with exes can be beneficial to your current relationship. We may believe that former flames may also provide emotional support, business connections, and can even be integrated into your family, but that does not mean that it will benefit your future with your current life partner.
But let’s be honest with ourselves – the relationship ended for a reason and nine times out of 10 the reason fueled drama. Body and Soul conveys Sydney-based clinical psychologist and relationship expert John Aiken’s advice to find out the true purpose of the ex in your life and to truly assess whether he or she is beneficial for your future. Boundaries are healthy for all types of relationships. Sharing children is always a tricky subject – however their existence does not negate the need for boundaries being established between exes. The same sentiment applies in romantic relationships – if there is no tie that binds and those involved are not mature enough to adhere to those boundaries, then the ex is causing drama and not preventing it. Ensuring the happiness and comfort of your chosen partner is your main goal in a relationship. If the both of you are putting your all into pleasing the other, then the good days will surely outweigh the bad and the longevity of the relationship will be guaranteed.
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