For quite some time now I’ve been noticing a popular trend of famous women gleefully admitting that they waited a specific amount of time before getting it in with their boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands. I started noticing this around 2006 when Alicia Keys was dating Kerry “Krucial” Brothers, and she revealed her body was “too beautiful” to be violated by someone who didn’t deserve it. Other celebs started to announce how chaste they were, and before long Steve Harvey released a book instructing women to treat their vaginas like a benefits package, thus introducing the infamous “three-month rule” into every day urban vernacular. So it wasn’t that surprising to hear Tia Mowry state that she waited a year to kiss her then-boyfriend-now-husband Cory Hardict.
*Disclaimer: To my knowledge, Mowry has never stated that she believes all women should wait one year before being intimate with their man, so this article is mainly addressing the comments I’ve heard many people make in regards to her revelation that she also waited a year before making love to her Hardict.*
What I’ve really found interesting is the reactions people have to finding out Mowry refused to be physical with him for one year. She has received a lot of praise for her decision, which I don’t necessarily have a problem with. But when those same folks start throwing major shade at everyone else, as if we’re having frivolous and disgusting sex, and we must adopt their way of doing things in order to find long-term relationship success. There has to be some middle ground. As a man, I always cringe when I hear people give sex and relationship advice that starts with: “You need to make a man wait [insert time period here] before having sex with him, so your relationship will work out!” Here’s why I hate that statement:
No one knows what’s best for you or your relationship.
I cannot stand the assumption that there is one “right” way to make a relationship work and there’s only one way to engage in a loving, happy relationship. People hop up on their soapboxes and say stupid shit like, “Well, I’m married and this worked for me, so you have to listen to what I’m saying,” and that’s complete crap. How you got to the altar and how your relationship works won’t necessarily work for me or anyone else. Mowry and Hardict built a long-term relationship without kissing for 365+ days, and I know, damn well, that is not going to work for me, which leads me to my next point:
The existence of a sexual appetite doesn’t make you a bad person.
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There are dudes out there that love sex and are in relationships with women who love sex. And they didn’t wait a year to smash, but they are very happy together. But when you start getting into the habit of telling people there are acceptable time-frames for engaging in physical contact, you are also establishing what constitutes unacceptable behavior, and often times that leads to demonizing people who want to do anything more than just waiting.
For example, I love intimacy (I really wish more people knew the difference between sex and intimacy) and it is a critical part of how I establish a connection with a woman. I could not seriously date a woman for 12 months without being intimate because we would fall into a platonic friendship way before that. See, a man can get sex from anyone, but getting true intimacy is hard as hell. Busting a nut, washing off, and going home is one thing, but lying on a couch with your arms wrapped around the woman you love while watching “Martin” DVDs is an entirely different thing. So explain to me why I should be viewed as less of a “real grown-ass man” than Hardict because we place importance on different things?
Oh, and quick newsflash: Everyone does not subscribe to the same heterosexual, Judeo-Christian value-system, so please do not go around pushing the Bible in people’s faces and instructing them on what “God” says they should do, unless you are sure you are speaking to someone of your same faith.
[Image: Shutterstock]
The part of the waiting debate that makes me laugh my ass off the most is the assertion that women need to create time-frames on when she gives a man some sex but nothing else, because he will judge the entirety of her worth based on that. That is the most insulting, anti-intellectual, and ignorant comment any person can make because it’s predicated on the belief that men are all horny troglodytes who don’t posses the ability to view a woman’s worth through any other lens than what she does with her body. It debases us all down to cavemen who think women we sleep with inside of one month are all Superheads, and women who we wait 12 months are all Michelle Obamas.
Contrary to many ridiculous beliefs, men take many things into account when deciding how we feel about a woman, and what we think about our shared connection. If I meet a woman who carries herself with dignity and class, and we click on all levels, have an immediate and intense attraction to one another, and end up having sex, why would I instantly degrade her to ho status? I love when people reference that STUPID-ASS rhetorical question: “Why would a man buy the cow if the milk is for free?” Well my counter-question to that is: “Why the HELL is sex analogous to the milk in that scenario?” Although a farmer’s main use for a cow may be dairy-farming, a woman’s vagina does not encompass my main and sole focus for having her in my life. If you think a man should put a ring on your finger to justify him getting the milk as the main component in your relationship, chances are you’re selling your worth very short.
But here’s the main reason women shouldn’t wait one year to have sex with their men: Arbitrary time-frames are stupid and they only hamper your connection more than help it. There is no right time to have sex. Some couples might want to kiss right after the first date, while others may wait a full year like Mowry. Some couples might want to have sex within the first three weeks, and other couples might want to wait three years. Some couples might wait until they are in a monogamous relationship, and others wait until they are married. And here’s the reality of all those scenarios: There is no “right” amount of time to wait to do anything. One year might be too long for some people, and one year may be too short for others, but it’s up to them to find that out.
To hell with a three-month rule, a one-year rule, a ’til-the-Eagles-finally-win-a-Super-Bowl rule, or any other amount of time that is not based solely on your connection with your significant other. Communicate with them, wrap it up, and then do what’s best for both of you.
LAB
Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience.
[Image: Shutterstock]
