In a recent interview with Andy Cohen for the movie The Butler, Oprah Winfrey ended up talking about her 27-year long relationship with Stedman Graham. When Cohen asked if she will ever marry Graham, Oprah answered:
“I don’t know if I want to do that. You know why? It’s really good right now. And when you add that ‘wife’ thing, then it’s too much … “
Upon hearing that I thought two things: One, if a wealthy man said that he would be accused of stringing his girlfriend along and called an asshole, and two, Oprah is right. And I’m glad she put it out there.
The truth is, sometimes marriage can ruin a good relationship. Obviously, that doesn’t apply to all people in all relationships because different circumstances exist, but it’s definitely a truism for some couples. Some float along in their relationship enjoying life, until they get married, and all of a sudden new problems, stupid issues, and ignorant fights start popping out of nowhere and it appears seemingly unexplainable. I have a theory, though, on why that happens. I truly believe many people quantify a good relationship far differently from what they perceive to be a good marriage, so when they’re happy in the relationship, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be happy in the marriage.
If there’s one qualifier I’m sure we’ve all heard, it’s “when I get married … ” which is typically followed by an absolute assertion on how the speaker’s life will definitely be after exchanging vows. I find it interesting that so many people have finite lists and infinite expectations about how their married life will culminate. Yet these very same people don’t make an effort to enforce any of those same standards in their relationships. If you don’t hold your relationship up to the same standards as your potential marriage, then it’s logical that marriage will change things.
Now, I’m not saying that you should treat everyone you date like they’re your future husband or wife because that’s stupid as hell. But, the further your definition of a good relationship is from your viewpoint of a great marriage, the better chance you will have at failing to transition from dating to being married.
[Image: Oprah.com]
For example, I have a homegirl who, in my opinion, embodies wife-material characteristics for a mature, hardworking dude looking for a woman with equal motivation and sense. She has many great qualities and she definitely wants to be married someday to a sophisticated, cultured, grown-ass man who takes her out at least once a week, loves traveling with her, and is open to trying new things. She wants to be married to a man who is good with kids, educated, and optimistic.
But does she date men who embody these traits? No. Does she engage in those activities with the dudes she dates who do have those traits? No. Does she still expect her marriage to have all the qualities listed above? YES. But since she quantifies a good relationship differently than a good marriage, she’s will have a hard time trying to transition from one to the other.
One of my boys is exactly same as her. He wants a marriage built on a solid foundation of trust, mutual respect, and consistent honesty. Yet he doesn’t offer the women he’s dating any of that. He doesn’t think of his relationships as failures, but says he won’t stand for distrust, disrespect, or dishonesty in his future marriage. To him, he’s been in good relationships, but his concept of good is not good enough for a woman he’s married to. So how does he expect one to smoothly lead to the other?
If being married is important to you and it’s something that you want to do a certain way, you probably should try to align your expectations for what constitutes a good relationship to what you view as a good marriage – that way you can transition without worrying if you will be destroying one by moving on to the other.
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Lincoln Anthony Blades blogs daily on his site ThisIsYourConscience.com, he’s an author of the book “You’re Not A Victim, You’re A Volunteer” and a weekly contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. He can be reached via Twitter @lincolnablades and on Facebook at This Is Your Conscience.
[Image: Shutterstock]
